Making Amends in Recovery: Meaning, How It Works, Why It Matters

Many feelings arise in people when they think about making amends in recovery: fear, relief, and uncertainty. What do you mean by making amends? How does it work? Is it always necessary?

The essential reason for making amends is to repair the harm done. To do so provides healing to the person making amends and any recipients of those amends. It goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry” to become an act of taking responsibility for harm done, changing behavior after making amends, and being committed to living differently from this point on. In some cases, making direct contact is not safe or appropriate, and so alternatives are recommended to accomplish the goals of making amends. Understanding the “why” and “how” of making amends will help you approach making amends with confidence, understanding, and support from others.

Making Amends: What It Means in a Nutshell

Making amends means taking responsibility for harm that you have caused and, if possible, making positive steps toward repairing the harm you caused. Most dictionaries define “making amends” as remedial actions you take to correct past wrongs or compensate for the injury that you caused.

In terms of addiction recovery, this definition expands to include the responsibility to hold oneself accountable for one’s actions, the ability to return to a state of being that existed before the harm occurred, and a commitment to living differently after making amends.

Difference Between Apology and Making Amends

An apology focuses on what you would say and concede with your actions, making amends involves taking some action after you’ve apologized, with the intent of taking ongoing action over time. This distinction is particularly important with regard to recovery from alcohol or drug abuse because trust may have been destroyed by their previous substance use history.

Many sources in addiction recovery emphasize the difference between making amends and merely apologizing. An example of this can be found in a Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation publication, which states that amends are about creating meaningful change in a person’s life rather than eliminating the guilt you may feel about your previous actions.

What Does It Mean to Make Amends in Recovery?

In terms of the recovery lens, in 12-step programs, making amends is addressed in Steps 8 and 9. Step 8 involves becoming willing to make amends to people harmed. Step 9 focuses on making direct amends whenever possible, except when doing so would cause injury to the other person or others.

Making amends is not limited to Alcoholics Anonymous. Many therapy models incorporate this, including:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): A form of talk therapy that focuses on identifying and changing unhelpful behaviors.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): A form of talk therapy that helps people manage intense emotions and behaviors.

How Is Making Amends Beneficial in Recovery?

When individuals are able to take responsibility for their past actions, they experience personal growth. By taking responsibility, people are able to break free from feelings of shame and guilt. They are also able to repair damaged relationships by repairing the harm they caused.

Taking steps to repair damaged relationships builds an individual’s ability to manage their own lives. Executive function is defined as the collection of mental capabilities that help individuals manage their own behaviors, plan for the future, and reach their goals.[1]

When people see consistent changed behavior, trust has a chance to rebuild. This strengthens relationships with loved ones (defined as people you know) and can increase healthy social support, which is a protective factor in long-term recovery. Unresolved guilt and damaged relationships can increase emotional stress, which may contribute to relapse risk.

Examples of Different Forms of Amends

A. Making amends directly

Direct amends involve contacting the person you hurt when it’s safe and appropriate to do so.

• Paying back borrowed money.
• Replacing damaged property.
• Accepting full responsibility for the behaviors that caused the harm and the impact those behaviors have had on the life of the other person.

B. Making amends indirectly

This means focusing on repairing harm from an event when you cannot contact that person directly or in person.

• Paying back debt on behalf of someone else to eliminate that liability.
• Fulfilling your obligations to a family member (such as making sure that their bills will be paid and then paying their bills).

C. Living Amends

Making amends in daily life through Living Amends will be demonstrated through your daily actions.

• Staying sober.
• Showing up consistently to support family members.
• Following established boundaries.
• Practicing honesty in everyday life, which leads to Living Amends in everyday life.

When You Should Not Make Direct Amends

Direct amends are generally considered to be unsafe if:

• There would be an increased risk of trauma.
• The individual would be a danger to their physical safety.
• Direct amends may violate legal issues.

In these instances, indirect or living amends are recommended.

General Outline of Steps to Make Amends (Practical Approach)

Get Prepared: Preparation involves determining what behavior caused the harm and the impact it had on the individual. Reflect on what you want to change, your values, and write out your thoughts to help create a plan for getting back on track.

Get Guidance: Support from a therapist, a sponsor, or a mentor can be beneficial during this process. Getting guidance can help you assess whether you are ready and will diminish the amount of harm that may be caused.

Choose The Proper Time & Format: Consider what the safest and most respectful way to communicate is. Also, be aware of how the timing impacts all parties involved, including emotional readiness.

Making the Amends: Effective amends should contain a clear acknowledgement of harm, acceptance of responsibility without excuses, examples of ways to repair the harm, and a commitment to changing behaviors permanently without asking for forgiveness.

Following Through: This includes keeping your commitments to consistently execute your promises as demonstrated by your past behaviors.

Scripts and Examples (What to Say/What Not to Say)

Short version example direct amends: “I missed commitments and was dishonest with you. I take responsibility for my actions. If there is a way to repair this, I’m open to it.”

Family-focused version Example: “I know I caused you a lot of instability and tension in your life because of my behavior. I am going through recovery and working to live differently. I will continue to be there for you and follow the boundaries you want for our relationship.”

What NOT to Say: Make sure that you avoid statements that downplay the seriousness of your actions or place blame on others. Examples of this would be making statements that have conditions attached to them or making requests for immediate forgiveness.

An “Amends Plan” Worksheet Made Simple

Creating an amends plan provides an organized way to understand and put into action the steps involved.

Pre-Assessment: Damage created to the recipient(s) and potential method to repair.

Amends Plan: Summary of proposed methods of repairing the damage caused and identifying risks associated with making direct contact.

Immediate Follow-up Checklist: The first action you will take or actions to complete.

Most addiction treatment programs, including Epiphany Wellness, recommend that you complete a structured reflection exercise like an amends plan as a part of psychoeducation and life skills development.